The Power of Asking “How Are You Doing?” — And Meaning It

A few weeks ago I was going through a rough patch- simultaneously wrestling with: the grief of lost love, resting anxiety that I’ve had most of my life, feelings of low self-worth, and guilt over parenting failures. Talk about a cocktail of stress and emotion! To make it worse, I fell into an old personal trap of trying to figure it out on my own. Despite isolation being a comforting habit, I knew that wasn’t going to help me move past my problems. But then I got a text message from a friend. It was simple and from the moment I received it I knew it was communicated sincerely. He wrote, “How are you doing, brother?” and the rest is history.

In a world where we’re constantly bombarded by notifications, emails, and endless to-do lists, it’s easy to overlook the simplest yet most powerful human connection tool we have: asking, “How are you doing?”

This isn’t just a polite formality, but an invitation to open up, share, and connect. When asked sincerely, it can be a lifeline for someone struggling, a way to deepen relationships, and a small act that has the power to make a significant impact. For men, in particular, who often face societal pressures to maintain a stoic exterior, asking — and answering — this question with sincerity can be transformative.

Why It’s Necessary

Men are frequently socialized to hide their vulnerabilities, to be the “strong, silent types.” This can lead to a culture where emotional honesty is scarce, and meaningful connections are few. By asking a simple yet sincere “How are you doing?” we challenge that culture. We signal that it’s okay to drop the armor, to be real, and to share whatever’s on their mind.

When men engage in these small but meaningful conversations, it opens the door to emotional support, which is crucial for mental health. Studies have shown that men who have strong social connections are less likely to experience depression and are better equipped to manage stress. So, this small question isn’t just a conversation starter — it’s a mental health tool.

How to Ask in a Sincere Way:

It’s one thing to ask the question, and another to mean it. Here’s how to do it right:

1. Make Time and Space: Don’t ask “How are you doing?” in passing or when you’re distracted. Find a quiet moment, make eye contact, and give your full attention. This shows that you’re genuinely interested in the answer.
2. Follow Up: If the response is a generic “I’m fine,” gently probe a bit more. “Really? How’s work been going?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?” These follow-up questions show that you’re not just ticking a box, but truly want to know how they’re doing.
3. Be Prepared to Listen: Listening is key. Let the other person speak without interruption. Nod, give verbal affirmations, and allow pauses in the conversation to show you’re there for them.
4. Normalize Sharing: Sometimes, the best way to get someone to open up is to share a bit about yourself. “I’ve had a rough week with work; how about you?” By modeling vulnerability, you create a safe space for them to do the same.
5. Check-In Later: If someone shares something significant, follow up later. “I’ve been thinking about what you said last week. How are you doing now?” This reinforces that you care beyond the initial conversation.

Suggestions for Men:

For men, asking “How are you doing?” with sincerity might feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable. Here are some tips to make it easier:

1. Start with a Close Friend or Family Member: Begin by practicing with someone you already feel comfortable with. Over time, it will become more natural to extend this to others.
2. Practice Active Listening: Instead of thinking about what you’ll say next, focus on what the other person is saying. This helps you stay present and shows that you value their words.
3. Pair It with an Activity: Men often communicate better while doing something together, like going for a walk, working out, or grabbing a drink. Use these moments to ask the question, making it feel less formal and more like a natural part of the interaction. This will also help you avoid eye contact, which may be too vulnerable of a dynamic for many men.
4. Be Patient: If the person doesn’t open up right away, don’t be discouraged. They might not be ready to share just yet, but by asking, you’ve planted a seed that it’s okay to talk when they are ready.

Asking “How are you doing?” sincerely is a simple act, but it’s one that can have profound effects, especially for men who might not often have the space to express how they really feel. As Caitlin Moran notes in her book What About Men?, male friendships are often built on shared activities and unspoken understandings rather than overt emotional exchanges, which can make it harder for men to ask this simple question but also more essential. It’s easy, it’s necessary, and it’s something we can all do more often.

It felt so good to be sincerely asked. Most of the time people don’t really want to hear the answer. It’s understandable. Nobody signs up to be a therapist when they are simply inquiring about how your day is going. That being said, showing someone you care about doesn’t take the training and skill of a therapist. It just takes a compassionate heart and about eight minutes of your time, according to ethnographer Simon Sinek. By making this small effort, we not only support those around us but also build stronger, more connected communities where emotional honesty and support are the norms, not the exceptions.