As we gather for Thanksgiving and other holidays in the next month, we realize that difficult conversations could arise as we sit around the table.
Not everyone is going to agree at your holiday table. Therefore, it is important to remember one of Judaism’s most important values: Shalom Bayit– a peaceful home. Shalom bayit is such an important value that it trumps many other Jewish obligations for the sake of peace in the home. Egos and personal needs are put aside for the greater experience of being in a safe environment. That doesn’t mean we don’t have serious, or even hard conversations. But it does mean that you are prepared – not for a fight; but for keeping peace and everyone comfortable at your table during those conversations. Our relationships are more important than being right.
Your Mission this Thanksgiving?
To help your family have a peaceful home.
Not sure where to start?
FJMC – The Federation of Jewish Men’s Clubs has a few tips for anyone spending time with family and friends.
Step 1: Quick Self-Reflection.
Identify your core values to help you feel confident in your own beliefs, and from that foundation, you can focus on being curious and open to what someone from a different background or perspective might share.
Step 2: Know Your Audience.
Be mindful of who is sitting with you. The notion of “consider your audience” works whether you are giving a presentation at work to a C-level executive of if you’re talking casually in a group.
Step 3: This Isn’t An Interrogation.
When the moment comes that the dreadful topic comes up at the table, try to ask questions to better understand why the person holds the beliefs they do. Often, people learn more when they are listening rather when they are talking.
Step 4: Curiosity May Have Killed The Cat But…
…you’ll be fine. Approaching the conversation with open ears and curiosity can establish trust. Creating a space where everyone can share their views without fearing of being judged is essential.
Step 5: Time For Pie!
If you notice you are getting agitated, it may be time to excuse yourself from the room. Conversations with those we disagree with can be difficult. It’s okay to take a moment to breathe and re-center yourself.
Step 6: Leave The Label Maker At Home.
It’s easy to reduce people to labels but doing that takes away their individuality. Humans are complex. You may be surprised to find that someone who you thought you know well, holds beliefs that may overlap with multiple labels.
Step 7: The Choice Is Yours.
It’s your choice whether to engage or not engage in the conversation. But if you do, be open to learning from a new perspective.
Step 8: Focus On Gratitude.
If you’re feeling stressed, identify something you’re grateful for as a reframing tool. It can help you stay grounded.
Step 9: Find Commonality In Sharing Memories.
Attend workshops, programs, and community events relevant to your industry to learn, grow, and keep up-to-date with new information.
Step 10: What Can Be Gained From The Conversation?
Ask yourself what you can reasonably gain from the conversation? you could learn something about someone else while still disagreeing. Try to understand through asking questions why other people reach the conclusions they do.
Step 11: Strengthen The Relationship.
In most cases, as long as you remain in a relationship with them, no matter how stressed, thin, or difficult, there is always the possibility of mutual understanding and love.
And Above All…
Our relationships are more important than being right.…
Published with thanks to Interfaith America (2023)
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