On Rosh Hashanah, as JH gathers his family, his wife and two sons, he looks at the empty chair that his third son Sam sat in before he left for what appears to be forever. He has a feeling of regret, longing, a quiet heartbreak, and sadness. He thinks about saying,“I miss you, and I wish I had listened more.” He resolves to take the first step, even if he doesn’t know what will happen, because even an honest attempt can begin the process of reconnection.
Estrangement between a father and son or daughter is rarely about a single issue – it’s usually a buildup of hurt, misunderstanding, unmet expectations, and sometimes just a different way of seeing the world. A mixture of emotions can include, anger, hurt and rejection, guilt, relief, loss and a desire for autonomy.
JH repeatedly argued with his son, because of his son’s lack of religious observance, his choice of friends, and his chosen career pathway. From the other side, Sam felt he was unheard, judged and disrespected. He felt a loss of trust from his family. There were unresolved emotional conflicts with a communication breakdown. With unresolved hurt and tension, Sam felt staying away was his only way to reduce stress. He needed to think, breathe, and regain a sense of control. JH felt a sense of rejection and abandonment, which deepened the divide, turning to anger and blame.
JH tells his family Sam is not forgotten. Missing a loved one embodies a longing, hope and grief. He wonders what he should have done differently and hangs onto the thought that one day Sam will come back. JH will try to let go of the need to correct or reshape Sam, accept Sam’s life that may look differently from what JH had hoped for, and recognize that distance doesn’t erase the bond, but redefines it.
JH needs to acknowledge Sam’s autonomy and keep the door open without pressure. He needs to understand love comes with life’s uncertainties. He needs to be fully grounded in the present, and less reactive and demanding, more emotionally steady. He needs to let Sam live his life independently if he chooses. If Sam does not want to reconcile, JH needs to learn to carry it without it consuming him. He needs to understand his illusion of expectations. He must accept his lack of control, and leave the door open because it’s the only sustainable way forward.
What can a father do to begin a reconciliation with his son? He can listen without correcting and defending his position. He can acknowledge the specific conflicts. He can give his son space over time. He can avoid who’s right versus who’s wrong. He can ask “Are you ready for a conversation? What do you need from me to make things better?”
What can the son do to reconciliate with his father? He can ask himself if he really wants the relationship back. He can approach his father and ask him if he is open to connect. He can give his father the space to share his perspective. He can have realistic expectations and boundaries – what he can and cannot accept. He can ask his father if he would like to do an activity together, like go for a walk or a drive, cook or fix something together, or engage in activities they both enjoy. They might want to keep conversations time limited at first and start with, “I’d like to understand what happened between us,” opening the door but not trying to fix everything at once.
If both father and son agree, they might rebuild engagement gradually, without pressure, as each is ready. They might: set up a flexible reengagement list that can include a communications reset (speaking respectfully); refrain from past scorekeeping (understanding and not blaming each other); respect each other’s boundaries; start small; maintain conflict-free space for honesty and accountability; allow each other to be imperfect; and redefine the relationship. We all need to accept realistic differences in our identities and expectations of each other. Sometimes a first step finds one sending the other photos, birthday or holiday cards, texts, emails or brief messages.
Challenges include avoiding anger, not focusing on yourself, making changes in your attitude and behavior, and demonstrating forgiveness. One or both may need to apologize and take ownership for their mistakes. Apologizing also for the impact of the relationship matters more than being right. You acknowledge the impact on the person by saying, “I’m sorry for your pain.” But we don’t apologize when it enables abuse, when you don’t mean it, or it becomes a transactional manipulation.
Back to the dinner table, JH can tell his family that we are missing him, he is in our thoughts, we continue to care about him, I hope in time we will find a way back together, he is still part of the family, and maybe we should have a moment of silence to wish him well.
JH can tell his son, “I was critical and I didn’t listen to you. I understand I was dismissive and it hurt. I handled it poorly. Give me a chance to do better.”
In this case, ultimately, JH told Sam that he would do better controlling himself and be a better listener; that his son deserved to be heard, not lectured to. Sam in response brought out issues to help define their relationship. He said all he wanted was to be treated with respect and be able to express his needs; that he appreciated advice; and that he was open to discussion but to take this improving relationship slowly. JH began to validate Sam’s feelings. He acknowledged that by not listening, Sam had felt unheard and pushed away; that Sam’s experiences and perspective deserved more serious consideration.
This conversation aligns with TESHUVAH (return/repentance), recognizing what was done, understanding the impact, changing one’s behavior and moving forward. Listening and understanding each other’s experiences is a significant part of healthy relationships.
We know that not all situations result in reconciliation. And sometimes it may be more harmful to involved parties to try and connect; where there is unfinished business, or it will re-open the hurt and conflict without real change, for instance.
What can FJMC International do to help men in this situation? Using the Jewish values of shalom bayit (peace in the home), teshuvah (repentance/return), and tikkun olam (repairing the world), there can be an opportunity, however difficult, for growth and repair. You can seek peer support from other men and have non-judgmental space to process anger, regret or confusion. You might find someone who has gone through a similar experience who can serve as mentor/guide. Gatherings of men through FJMC International are places where self-reflection and examining our own behavior is encouraged. It is a place you can find meaning, friendship and connection with those in your community.
In this case JH and Sam were not ready to fully connect but both agreed that a beginning was worth keeping open. There was acceptance without closure rather than reunion. JH said, “I respect your decision but if you choose to return, there is still a place for you at the table. I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk. I love you and I think about you.”
During the days of Repentance, we are reminded of those we miss, the words we wish we had said, and the importance of gratitude, forgiveness and family. In its silence, the empty chair calls us to live more thoughtfully, and cherish those still at the table.
Steven Mandel MD
VO Outreach and Engagement
NY Metro FJMC
“The Empty Chair” published in Pride and Prejudice, Fall 2026: Rosh Hashanah Edition.
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